Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Isn't it interesting how we all fear things, but it's different with each of us. We all deal with it differently, but it's always so real to us. And it's hard when those around us don't understand and don't see it as seriously as we do. My fears right now are so scattered! I'm really scared about what my future holds. I have no plans and in a few months I'll be homeless again and then again in September. I just don't know which way to turn. Then my fears are going to be confronted again on Friday. I'm going in for surgery to have my gall bladder out. It's my first time to have doctors really work on me. I'm scared beyond my wildest dreams. But I'm also so afraid to wake up alone. I'm afraid something will go wrong or that this isn't the reason for my pain. I'm afraid of the recovery pain and I'm so scared to be left alone. And right now I'm also afraid of a situation that's come up. Loren ended things last week for once and for all. It came kinda as a shock for me a bit...I feel dumb saying that cuz I should have seen it coming, but in all honestly I think I was in denial. It came at a time when I wasn't thinking about my relationship with him at all. All I was focusing on was my upcoming weekend with MaryAnn and her family and my health problems. It was kinda brain-overload! And I was so angry that I couldn't be hurt. And now I fear where I go from here. I fear being alone and I fear what I still can't help but feel for him.


Work's been amazing. My boss is so understanding of my health issues and is giving me as much time off as I ask for to get myself put together again. And the kids really haven't been too bad either.
My weekend this past week was WONDERFUL. It was exactly what I needed! I got to go down to South Jordan and spend some much overdue time with MaryAnn and Brian and their 3 adorable kids. They are so important to me and anytime that I get to spend with them is well worth it. I felt awful tho, cuz I had another attack on Sunday morning so I spent most of Sunday feeling sick and I was a little bit depressed over what had happened on Thursday night with Loren and I hate to admit, but I wasn't exactly myself all weekend. But overall it was very very fun.
So with Loren...Thursday night was rough. He told me that there was no chance for a long term relationship with us cuz of what he was going through when we met. And he kept saying that he didn't want to drag me into that situation (well a little too late bucko...). He also said that he couldn't fall in love with me cuz he still has thoughts and dreams about Abi and because I remind him of her. Which was the biggest slap in the face to me. I do not see myself like her and I don't want to be compared!! I honestly can say that I hate her and to tell me that I'm like her is basically asking me to hate myself! It hurt so badly that no matter what, I'll never forgive him for that. I can't go back to that. A: I won't be compared to anyone, but especially not his ex wife. B: I'm sick of being hurt by him. And C: You can't slap me like that and expect me to just forgive and forget. No Way. And so now it's over. Although I want to stay friends, and I've talked to him everyday since, I still feel like slapping him, crying, or throwing up (which is probably just my medication :)) every single time I see him.

Things that I hate right now:

Complicated boys...self-explanatory. see above :)
boys...yeah I'm done. No marriage for this girl! I'm not getting close to anyone anymore. I'm so sick of being hurt.
Feeling scared...hospital.
Feeling along...Loren.

Things I love right now:

Dark Chocolate...:)
Syd...even tho she's been sick, she's helped me so much today!
Aggie Basketball...I'm holding out for tomorrow night :)

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