Thursday, November 26, 2009


Ok I'm ready to just spill my guts out on the table tonight. Here we go.

I'M SICK OF THIS!!!! I'm so tired of being played with. This is the final time and I'm done! Loren and all the drama with Abi is making me sick. I can't get better cuz I'm so stressed all the time and I'm not getting any sleep over it all. Honestly anything that keeps me up so much at night needs to go. I'm tired of the lack of communication that happens. If something happens with them I think I deserve to be told about it! I'm too far into this situation to be kept in the dark. If this is the end then I'd like to know. If he is back with her I'd like to know, but does anyone fill me in? NO! Of course not! Someone is really enjoying playing with my emotions and my stress levels (which is very hard to do btw...not even finals stress me out) and I'm through. I'd like to return to being the carefree, happy girl I used to be. Somedays I'm SO happy. Happier than I can imagine being, then the next day I get a text telling me that something's wrong and he's leaving me. This is getting ridiculous and I can't handle anymore. I just want him to make a decision and stick with it! Either he wants me there or he doesn't, but I don't wanna wonder anymore. I just wanna know where I stand and know where he stands and be happy without the outcome! But I can't be happy with this game constantly being played with my heart. I adore this man. Well on my way to loving him, I may already. In fact yes I do believe I love him, but I can't. It's "against the rules" so to speak right now. It's stupid, but I can't let myself fall in love because I'm constantly afraid of him leaving. Which a few weeks ago I said to Syd and she said, just trust him. I don't think he'll leave you. So I worked on trusting him, then he left. Like twice he's left. How can I put my trust in someone like that right now? Until he knows where he stands with Abi, he can't know where he stands with me, and that kills me. It's almost enough to make me leave. And never come back. It's almost enough to make me give up on any kind of relationship with him, friendship or otherwise, and walk away. It almost makes me drop all contact with him completely and never see him ever again. Too many tears that he can't see, and too much time feeling hopeless and second best. I personally believe that I deserve better.

Things I hate right now:

Vehicle...I still don't have a car and on a night like tonight it would be awfully nice to just get in one a drive really fast away from all my problems.
Illness...I'm still sick and that made Thanksgiving dinner miserable today. I couldn't taste anything. My tastebuds are completely shut down right now. All this stress has literally made me sicker.

Things I love right now:

Alli...I get to see her tomorrow!!
Syd...She's my rock. Always.
The Santa Clause...Our family tradition lived on today :)
Jared...Probably the best 10 year old boy in the world. My favorite little brother ever :) :) :)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Day of No Work

Today was the first day in a long time that I haven't had to do anything! I had no work and no pressing tasks or errands. So this morning I got up early and went with my roommate to Smiths. We bought various baking items and returned to our apartment and made pancakes with homemade syrup, sausages, scrambled eggs, and grape juice (my favorite! :)) Later I went with Sydnie to clean her car and go to Walmart. Afterwards I found myself over at Loren's apartment :) I hung out with him while he cooked some lunch and got ready for work. (I do LOVE spending time with him) Then I returned to my house and played Monopoly with my roommates for about...4...hours...yeah I won...2nd place. It's all good :) Currently I'm just sitting on my couch watching Baby Mama with Steph and waiting for Loren to get off work so I can see him. :) Life is good when there's no responsibility :)


Yesterday was the last football game of the season. It was against BSU and it was on ESPN2. WHERE I'd like to point out I was on national broadcast TV a few times! :) Go Me! :) Of course we lost, but I was ok with that cuz I LOVE BSU...just not when I'm wearing Aggie Blue!!
Work has been good lately. I've actually had a bit of time off. I'm off early every day recently. It's been pretty nice.
Dancing this week was AMAZING:):):) I love it more than breathing!! :) ...sorta...

Things I hate this week:

Coughing...I'm so sick of waking up in the middle of the night coughing so hard I almost throw up. I need to be able to breathe again. It's not happening.
Cold...I have cold feet all the time. Sick of it.

Things I love this week:

Peppermint Ice Cream...yes.
Eggnog...again. yes.
Spending time with Loren...I spend most of my spare time with him and I'm so happy. :) Can't imagine doing anything else right now :)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Do you understand?
It's such a loaded question. Most of the time...No. I don't understand. I don't understand at all. I don't see your side of the problem and I don't see what I'm doing wrong. Or sometimes right...Do I say I understand? Of course I do. I always say I understand because it solves things. People don't want to explain further to my simple mind and so I make it easier on them, but for just once!! I wanna answer truthfully and say NO I don't understand!! Please just tell me why you're acting this way, what's going on in your head, and why I'm never enough. I'm tired. I'm really tired of being played with. And even if that's not how it's meant to come across, that's how I feel when I feel on top of the world and in the next hour I'm feeling crushed underneath it. It's simply not fair! I shouldn't be questioning all the time whether or not I'm going to be happy in the next moment. I'm so tired of being let down and thrown to the side. True, I always pick myself back up, but for heaven sakes it took me 8 months last time!! And I still feel worthless cuz of him. I don't feel wanted and I need that. So I'm done. I'm done putting myself on the line. I'm done throwing my whole self into what I want. I just get burned for it later and it's simply not fair.

Things I hate right now:

The fact that I'm still awake right now...
Life...pretty much everything about it currently

Things I love right now:


Friday, November 13, 2009


So I work in a daycare and the majority of those kids come from dysfunctional families. I mean not super dysfunctional, the kids are happy enough, but broken none the less. Lots of unmarried parents living together, lots of single moms close to my age, and lots of kids floating between two, three, and even five houses from day to day. It breaks my heart to know that they're growing up in this kind of life style. I wonder what they're going to be like when they get into their school years and especially their teen years and I'm curious to see the decisions they'll make based on how their parents are. I know that my parents have swayed my decisions. Not tons, they haven't been pushy at all, but I know that because of the kind of household I grew up I have different ideas and opinions on certain things than I would have growing up somewhere different. So even tho I'm not close to my parents anymore, I'm grateful to them for raising me well enough to support myself physically and emotionally, and well enough for me to know what I need to do and what I should do, even tho I don't always follow those guidelines... :)


Work has been good lately. The kids are well behaved for the most part and Nancy always has the best advice and words of wisdom!
These past couple days have been hard on me emotionally...I don't wanna get into it, but my heart was thrown through the wringer for a little while but it's back in my chest again. My world isn't perfect, but it seems right for now.

Things I hate right now:

the fence...they put up a fence in our yard and for some reason me and my roommates just really don't like it! It kinda makes us feel boxed in, as if we already didn't before.
coughing...I'm so done with this! I just want it to go away. I'm getting a little bit better, but still when I sit in certain positions or lay down I start coughing again. Dumb Dumb.

Things I love right now:'s still my favorite movie :) I was reminded of that last night :)
Playing the organ...I do love the fact that I can play functionally, but also therapeutically. It's very calming to get to just sit on that bench and make music.
The people...I'm very thankful for the people that have been placed in my life in this time of my life. Somedays I don't think I would survive without certain souls :) Sydnie :)

Thursday, November 5, 2009


I realized something today. I'm happy. For the first time about two years I'm actually really, truly, and inwardly happy.

Tonight I went dancing. Nothing puts a smile on my face faster than being whipped around the dance floor in a country swing style. I went with Loren Honeycutt. So much fun!! I felt a little sad cuz Sydnie wasn't there, but I made up for it but having one of the best nights in my country dancing history. :) For the first time in a long time I feel like something's going right in my life again. I feel like someone's on my side. I feel like I matter again. We'll see what happens in the future week or month...

Things I hate right now:

Being sick...I have a cold the size of texas. It's nothing I haven't had it before, just a side effect of my chronic sinus obstruction, but still! Go away cold!!!

Things I love right now:

Cowboy Casanova...Carrie Underwood rocks my world :)
Cuddling all night...yeah...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


Life doesn't ever slow down. I'm realizing this more and more this week. I think back and wonder where my year's gone. Everything that's happened to me these past two years must have been for the better. I've had some serious challenges and made some serious mistakes. I've taken huge risks and made enormous life decisions. But everything works itself out somehow.

So recently...

I'm just working still and I absolutely love it!! I love being around kids all day. It almost makes me wanna just grow up and have a family of my own...ALMOST.
I'm loving Logan right now. This season makes me remember that this is the place that I fell in love with last year. I also love all the people that I'm meeting lately. I have so many friends here and I'm making so many memories it's amazing! I have the best friend a girl could ask for. SHOUT OUT TO SYD :) She's my Savior most days. I can't imagine my life without her and I can't believe that I only met her about 6 months ago. Time sure flies.
I'm putting off going back to school one more semester. I just don't wanna do it this semester. It's not making me happy right now. And I don't wanna waste my time with unhappiness right now. I know everything that school will give me in the long run is worth it, but right now I feel like I was unhappy for too long and all I want is to love myself again. Two years is a long time to feel discouraged, angry, and hurt. (yes it was not just school that was bugging me).

Things I've decided I don't like this week:

Soy Sauce...don't ask why cuz I don't really know
Snot...those kids are disgusting right now!! They all have colds
Being cold...basement apartment.
Being alone...This week was Family Day at church. Mine didn't come. I sat alone and it wears on me that I don't see my family more often, but I can handle that. The realization came this week that I don't even call home anymore. Nor do they call me. I just don't talk to them. I don't know why this happened, but it did.
When my friends get hurt...don't mess with them. I don't mess with yours, don't mess with mine.
Spiders...I got bit again

Things I've decided I love this week:

Sydnie!!... I knew this already, but for some reason this week's been great :)
Frozen Yogurt...Yes I do keep dropping lbs cuz I've cut ice cream :)
Keith Urban...He gets me through any day
A blanket, a movie, and a cute boy...does this really need explaining??? :D :D :D