Hair

I shall never take my hair for granted ever again. Ever. Anyone who knows me really well can tell you that I love my hair. I do complain about it constantly, but I also obsess about it constantly too. I am always trying to fix it and find a mirror to look at it and buying new products to help it or dyeing and cutting it. Well yesterday I took my hair out of it's ponytail for the day and I looked in the mirror and found...a bald spot. Not just a place where a few hairs had been pushed out of place or something, but a spot a little bigger than a quarter where the hair had stopped growing. Right down to the scalp, all you could see was skin. Needless to say I FREAKED. So I showed first my dad and he examined it for a minute, said...hmmm that's weird show your mom...and sent me downstairs to her. I showed my mom and she very calmly said...well I guess if it gets bigger in the morning let us know... Yes my parents didn't find this alarming in the least!! So I, being the victim here, burst into tears! Of course, I went to the doctor today and he decided that it's a fungal infection and with proper medication and pharmacutical lotions it'll start to grow hair again...IN A MONTH. So now I'm faced with the problem of covering up a bald spot right on the top of my head for at least 4 weeks. Til it'll START to grow again and who knows how long it'll take for the hair to get as long as it is now all over again. Never again will I complain about the amount, the texture, the color, or the shape of hair that I have. AT LEAST I HAVE HAIR!!!

Lately:

Other than my hair, it's been a relatively relaxing week home. I had a great Christmas full of present's that I was totally not expecting! Like my little sister made me an afgan, which in and of itself it cool, but she made it out of my granny's buffalo yarn, which makes it so special to me that I cried...yes I cried over a Christmas present...I must be getting old...But it means so much to me to have something made from Granny's yarn and the fact that the sister that I'm sure hates me made it for me is pretty sweet. Also I got to go shopping on Saturday and I'm down 2 pants sizes from 4 months ago! :) yay! This was uber happy news, thus I spent my life's savings :D. Also I met up with Lindsey for the blessed Canton which I miss all the time living in Logan. Oh. And I'm missing Sydnie and Loren like crazy!!! I've talked to Syd 3 times on the phone since I left town and Loren called me last night which made this week bearable again. I was starting to wonder if he missed me or if it was all me, but I feel like him calling me last night kinda says that there's something there. We hadn't talked in 3 days and I was going crazy, but I was afraid to call him (like Syd said I should) cuz I don't wanna force anything on him. I don't want to seem...for lack of a better word...needy, desperate, young, or high-maintenance. Cuz I don't believe that I'm any of those things. I just miss him is all. Saturday's coming fast tho! And I have a huge party to look forward to tomorrow night! Yippee!

Things I hate right now:

My bald spot...duh
Being cold...my mom keeps the heat, well, brisk...
Having no money...it's my own fault tho
Being away from Logan...I do miss that place. That's how I know it's home now. When I get homesick being at home...? :)

Things I love right now:

The hair I have left!!!...yes!!!
My cell phone...such a blessing.
My family...ok I'll admit it. I do love being home! But I love living away from them too!
My nickname...people make think it's dumb...but I LOVE being Beeezer! :D

Family

I don't understand myself sometimes. I'm SO excited to go home tonight!! Which is really good, don't get me wrong. It's just kinda weird. I always love going home, but I never really realize it til I'm there. This time I've been waiting and waiting for 5 o'clock to come so I can just get on that bus and get to Idaho! It's only been a month since I was home and last time I went home I was dreading it beyond anything and I couldn't wait to get back to Logan. I guess this time I'm just ready for a break from being an adult. Or maybe it's the excitement of Christmas. But whatever the reason is I'm very happy to be heading home to my family, my dog, my big TV, my family traditions, my mom's cooking, my dad's security over the house, and the holiday joy that only comes like this once a year. :)

Lately:

I've been having the time of my life lately! I realized last night that I stress too much, and read WAY too much into everything! I decided that I just need to chill out and stop trying to make my life make sense, cuz well...let's be honest, it's life. It's screwed up! It's not always gonna make sense!! And because of that decision...I had the best time in the past week. I've gotten to spend lots of time with Loren, which of course, I LOVE! I've also been able to spend a bit of time with Synny. Which hasn't happened in a while (we kinda got into a fight), but all is well and I have my best friend back in my life again!! I'm gonna miss her and Loren a ton this week and a half I'm gonna be gone! It's kinda bittersweet. I wanna take them with me everywhere!! Work has been good. The kids are getting better behaved, or maybe I'm just getting more used to being with them everyday. Either way they're so fun. I love being with kids. It makes me excited to be a mom in the future.

Things I hate right now:

Snow...I hear there's none in IF. I'm not ok with that!! I want a white Christmas. Luckily I've been enjoying it here :)
Quiet...My apartment's been empty since Friday and I have to have music on all the time for company! It's been so lonely I haven't been here a lot. I've tried to stay busy out of the house. Even if I'm alone out there, it's better than being completely alone here.

Things I love right now:

Orange rolls...2 days!!
Presents...I can't wait to see everyone's faces when they open up what I got them! I love that part of Christmas!!
Loren...this is self-explanitory, but I'll explain further :) I love every second I get to spend with him. I love the way he can make me laugh. I love the way I can read his face and know what he's thinking...but only most of the time...sometimes he's still completely a mystery to me! I love the way he makes me feel beautiful even when I KNOW I'm not. I love seeing his number come up on my ringing phone and knowing that he wants to talk to me. I love when he kisses my cheek :). I love when he calls just to say hi and to hear how my day's going. I love how he really does try to put others first and serve. I love how he's passionate about his interests (even if sometimes I have no idea what he's talking about!) it's still cute to see him get excited about things! I love when he hugs me while I'm washing the dishes or stirring at the stove. I love how he honestly listens to me and cares about what I care about. I love the way my hand fits in his.
Christmas
Snow
Hot Cocoa...yes please :)
Clean...I love having a clean kitchen!! :)
Blogging...yes I love having a place to write whatever I want!! :)

Communication

This is so flipping important to me right now. All I care is that I'm communicating with the people around me and that they're communicating back. I've finally realized that I have been very close-mouthed for a long time and I think I need to change. I'm ready to start standing up for myself and telling the people that I care about exactly what I think. It's time for me to start having an opinion and to start letting others know what I think. But I also think that the people in my life should start talking to me more also. I spend so much time wondering what people are really thinking and I really wish that there was a way for me to just get in their heads and find out. If they'd just open up to me everyonce in a while then I wouldn't have to wonder anymore! And it's just not one person if that's what you all are thinking. I can think of at least 5 people that I want to open up to me, but I'll be darned if it actually happens. So start baring your soul people! No one will hate you for being honest. Let me know what you're thinking and I'll reciprocate! :)

Lately:
I've had the day off work today and it's been nice to get things done that needed to be. I took a SUPER long walk and got some shopping done, went to the bank, and did some cooking. I've started realizing how much I'm actually like my mom when it comes to home-making. I tend to feel the need to do the same things that she always did. It's been really nice lately too to have a bit of my old life and home here in my new one. I've got all my old christmas ornaments on our tree here and my mom's advent calendar in our living room. I've got a few old favorite movies from home here too, like Music Man! :) It just makes me happy to have both of these worlds kinda combined here for a little while. You don't think you're gonna miss home til you're away for a long time and the novelty of living on your own wears off. I've stopped trying to convince myself that I don't wanna be back there and just accepted that home and Idaho will always be a big part of me and that I do love it there and I'll always miss it.

Things I hate right now:

Cold feet
No vehicle


Things I love right now:

Kristen Chenoweth...however your spell her name she's amazing!!
Martina McBride...same :)
Orange Marbled Fudge...little tastes of home :)
PayDay...today!!
Myself...I love the fact that emotionally I'm stable enough to hold myself together during rough times in my life. I wouldn't change that for anything! I'd certainly change what's happening to me right now tho...I also love that I can physically handle life after only 4 hours of sleep which is about all that I've gotten each night since around two weeks ago...

Life

It throws you curves doesn't it. It seems so trivial how we spend our days, and then you have one that really matters something to you and you realize how short life can be. You realize that you have to take everyday as something special and not let it slip by meaningless. Events like what happened to me last night make you honestly see that you have to make the choice to be happy. That no one can make it for you no matter how desperately they try. It's a concious effort and struggle that we have with ourselves everyday and I wanna win! :) I wanna beat myself into shape and just always be happy! Not let anything stand in my way from what I want.

Lately:
I've just been working like crazy!! The kids have been so well-behaved and it's been a breeze. Which is good cuz I haven't been in the mood to discipline.
Also my roommates and I have been having lots of fun Christmas shopping, and decorating, and I'm ready to make fudge so the holidays are upon us!! :)
And I'm super looking forward to AGGIE BASKETBALL tomorrow night!! We've gotta come back from that shattering loss last week.

Things I hate right now:

Frostbite...i couldn't feel my ears last night! That's a very strange feeling
Exs...let's just kill them all...wait...that'd be me too... :)

Things I love right now:

Face paint...I have too much fun with that stuff
Hot Chocolate...mmm yes :)
My wonderful roommates...they're honestly the best I've ever had. (collectively, cuz I've had some bomb roommates before, but I've never loved all of them at once!)
Christmas...It's approaching! I'm excited to go home and spend time with my family :)

Aggie Basketball

I have never felt so "part of something" as I did on Wednesday night when my basketball boys beat BYU! The crowd won this game for them. We were amazing! Everyone was loud and proud for USU. I love school spirit and I'm so grateful to live by a school where there are so many other people that feel the same way that I do. Tonight we take on St. Mary's and I'll be there representing! :)

Lately:

Lately my work schedule's been so screwy! I've been working full days (9-5) instead of my normal half (1230-5) which is fine, it's just weird. I do enjoy being with the kids tho and so it's pretty fun. I've also started looking for a full-time job again. My parents are sorta supporting me in my decision not to go back to school for now. They probably aren't all that happy about it, but they finally realize that it's my life and I'm going to live it the way I want to and not the way they want me to. Which is good. There's less arguments in our relationship now. Makes it a bit less stressful to call and go home.
Thursday night I spent a fun evening in SLC. I've missed that place SO much. Christmas time is still my favorite there. I have so many memories from when I was younger living there and from a few years ago when we rode the tracks down and saw the lights. I love it so much. I just wish there had been snow! I went down with Sydnie, Brenda, Dee, Greg, and :) Loren. We walked around the temple for a while and we went inside the North Visitor's Center and talked to some sister missionaries for a while. One of them turned out to be my good friend's cousin. That was fun to find connections like that. Then we went to our favorite restaurant in Salt Lake called PF Changs. It was Loren's birthday on Friday so we sang to him and the waitress brought him a shot glass with cake in it. It was a very fun night :)
Yesterday I had a day off work and with nothing to do I got bored out of my brains!!! So I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to entertain myself til 4 when I get to go the the game today! :)

Things I hate right now:

Cold...I got so cold on Wednesday waiting for the game! I was outside for over 5 hours!! I've never felt so freezing
Ex's...Syd and I are both feeling the wrath from people's ex's. Not necessarily our own. But other people's...
Boredom...I don't know what I'll do when I'm married and staying at home. Yesterday sucked!!

Things I love right now:

Pounders...My favorite Hawaiian grill, run by my favorite Bill Sprout :)
Christmas trees...My roommates and I got a real one! And I put a touch of home on it with all my ornaments from years past. Makes me feels good having a bit of home in my apartment now. Especially with me not going til Christmas Eve.
Snow...It's snowing now :)
Company...Self-Explanatory :)
Synny-Beezer Time...We're headed out for some right now! :) I love this girl.

Spilling

Ok I'm ready to just spill my guts out on the table tonight. Here we go.

I'M SICK OF THIS!!!! I'm so tired of being played with. This is the final time and I'm done! Loren and all the drama with Abi is making me sick. I can't get better cuz I'm so stressed all the time and I'm not getting any sleep over it all. Honestly anything that keeps me up so much at night needs to go. I'm tired of the lack of communication that happens. If something happens with them I think I deserve to be told about it! I'm too far into this situation to be kept in the dark. If this is the end then I'd like to know. If he is back with her I'd like to know, but does anyone fill me in? NO! Of course not! Someone is really enjoying playing with my emotions and my stress levels (which is very hard to do btw...not even finals stress me out) and I'm through. I'd like to return to being the carefree, happy girl I used to be. Somedays I'm SO happy. Happier than I can imagine being, then the next day I get a text telling me that something's wrong and he's leaving me. This is getting ridiculous and I can't handle anymore. I just want him to make a decision and stick with it! Either he wants me there or he doesn't, but I don't wanna wonder anymore. I just wanna know where I stand and know where he stands and be happy without the outcome! But I can't be happy with this game constantly being played with my heart. I adore this man. Well on my way to loving him, I may already. In fact yes I do believe I love him, but I can't. It's "against the rules" so to speak right now. It's stupid, but I can't let myself fall in love because I'm constantly afraid of him leaving. Which a few weeks ago I said to Syd and she said, just trust him. I don't think he'll leave you. So I worked on trusting him, then he left. Like twice he's left. How can I put my trust in someone like that right now? Until he knows where he stands with Abi, he can't know where he stands with me, and that kills me. It's almost enough to make me leave. And never come back. It's almost enough to make me give up on any kind of relationship with him, friendship or otherwise, and walk away. It almost makes me drop all contact with him completely and never see him ever again. Too many tears that he can't see, and too much time feeling hopeless and second best. I personally believe that I deserve better.

Things I hate right now:

Vehicle...I still don't have a car and on a night like tonight it would be awfully nice to just get in one a drive really fast away from all my problems.
Illness...I'm still sick and that made Thanksgiving dinner miserable today. I couldn't taste anything. My tastebuds are completely shut down right now. All this stress has literally made me sicker.

Things I love right now:

Alli...I get to see her tomorrow!!
Syd...She's my rock. Always.
The Santa Clause...Our family tradition lived on today :)
Jared...Probably the best 10 year old boy in the world. My favorite little brother ever :) :) :)

Day of No Work

Today was the first day in a long time that I haven't had to do anything! I had no work and no pressing tasks or errands. So this morning I got up early and went with my roommate to Smiths. We bought various baking items and returned to our apartment and made pancakes with homemade syrup, sausages, scrambled eggs, and grape juice (my favorite! :)) Later I went with Sydnie to clean her car and go to Walmart. Afterwards I found myself over at Loren's apartment :) I hung out with him while he cooked some lunch and got ready for work. (I do LOVE spending time with him) Then I returned to my house and played Monopoly with my roommates for about...4...hours...yeah I won...2nd place. It's all good :) Currently I'm just sitting on my couch watching Baby Mama with Steph and waiting for Loren to get off work so I can see him. :) Life is good when there's no responsibility :)

Lately:

Yesterday was the last football game of the season. It was against BSU and it was on ESPN2. WHERE I'd like to point out I was on national broadcast TV a few times! :) Go Me! :) Of course we lost, but I was ok with that cuz I LOVE BSU...just not when I'm wearing Aggie Blue!!
Work has been good lately. I've actually had a bit of time off. I'm off early every day recently. It's been pretty nice.
Dancing this week was AMAZING:):):) I love it more than breathing!! :) ...sorta...

Things I hate this week:

Coughing...I'm so sick of waking up in the middle of the night coughing so hard I almost throw up. I need to be able to breathe again. It's not happening.
Cold...I have cold feet all the time. Sick of it.


Things I love this week:

Peppermint Ice Cream...yes.
Eggnog...again. yes.
Spending time with Loren...I spend most of my spare time with him and I'm so happy. :) Can't imagine doing anything else right now :)

Understanding

Do you understand?
It's such a loaded question. Most of the time...No. I don't understand. I don't understand at all. I don't see your side of the problem and I don't see what I'm doing wrong. Or sometimes right...Do I say I understand? Of course I do. I always say I understand because it solves things. People don't want to explain further to my simple mind and so I make it easier on them, but for just once!! I wanna answer truthfully and say NO I don't understand!! Please just tell me why you're acting this way, what's going on in your head, and why I'm never enough. I'm tired. I'm really tired of being played with. And even if that's not how it's meant to come across, that's how I feel when I feel on top of the world and in the next hour I'm feeling crushed underneath it. It's simply not fair! I shouldn't be questioning all the time whether or not I'm going to be happy in the next moment. I'm so tired of being let down and thrown to the side. True, I always pick myself back up, but for heaven sakes it took me 8 months last time!! And I still feel worthless cuz of him. I don't feel wanted and I need that. So I'm done. I'm done putting myself on the line. I'm done throwing my whole self into what I want. I just get burned for it later and it's simply not fair.

Things I hate right now:

The fact that I'm still awake right now...
Life...pretty much everything about it currently

Things I love right now:

...?

Family

So I work in a daycare and the majority of those kids come from dysfunctional families. I mean not super dysfunctional, the kids are happy enough, but broken none the less. Lots of unmarried parents living together, lots of single moms close to my age, and lots of kids floating between two, three, and even five houses from day to day. It breaks my heart to know that they're growing up in this kind of life style. I wonder what they're going to be like when they get into their school years and especially their teen years and I'm curious to see the decisions they'll make based on how their parents are. I know that my parents have swayed my decisions. Not tons, they haven't been pushy at all, but I know that because of the kind of household I grew up I have different ideas and opinions on certain things than I would have growing up somewhere different. So even tho I'm not close to my parents anymore, I'm grateful to them for raising me well enough to support myself physically and emotionally, and well enough for me to know what I need to do and what I should do, even tho I don't always follow those guidelines... :)

Lately...

Work has been good lately. The kids are well behaved for the most part and Nancy always has the best advice and words of wisdom!
These past couple days have been hard on me emotionally...I don't wanna get into it, but my heart was thrown through the wringer for a little while but it's back in my chest again. My world isn't perfect, but it seems right for now.

Things I hate right now:

the fence...they put up a fence in our yard and for some reason me and my roommates just really don't like it! It kinda makes us feel boxed in, as if we already didn't before.
coughing...I'm so done with this! I just want it to go away. I'm getting a little bit better, but still when I sit in certain positions or lay down I start coughing again. Dumb Dumb.


Things I love right now:

Enchanted...it's still my favorite movie :) I was reminded of that last night :)
Playing the organ...I do love the fact that I can play functionally, but also therapeutically. It's very calming to get to just sit on that bench and make music.
The people...I'm very thankful for the people that have been placed in my life in this time of my life. Somedays I don't think I would survive without certain souls :) ...like Sydnie :)

Happiness

I realized something today. I'm happy. For the first time about two years I'm actually really, truly, and inwardly happy.

Tonight I went dancing. Nothing puts a smile on my face faster than being whipped around the dance floor in a country swing style. I went with Loren Honeycutt. So much fun!! I felt a little sad cuz Sydnie wasn't there, but I made up for it but having one of the best nights in my country dancing history. :) For the first time in a long time I feel like something's going right in my life again. I feel like someone's on my side. I feel like I matter again. We'll see what happens in the future week or month...

Things I hate right now:

Being sick...I have a cold the size of texas. It's nothing I haven't had it before, just a side effect of my chronic sinus obstruction, but still! Go away cold!!!

Things I love right now:

Cowboy Casanova...Carrie Underwood rocks my world :)
Cuddling all night...yeah...

Life

Life doesn't ever slow down. I'm realizing this more and more this week. I think back and wonder where my year's gone. Everything that's happened to me these past two years must have been for the better. I've had some serious challenges and made some serious mistakes. I've taken huge risks and made enormous life decisions. But everything works itself out somehow.

So recently...

I'm just working still and I absolutely love it!! I love being around kids all day. It almost makes me wanna just grow up and have a family of my own...ALMOST.
I'm loving Logan right now. This season makes me remember that this is the place that I fell in love with last year. I also love all the people that I'm meeting lately. I have so many friends here and I'm making so many memories it's amazing! I have the best friend a girl could ask for. SHOUT OUT TO SYD :) She's my Savior most days. I can't imagine my life without her and I can't believe that I only met her about 6 months ago. Time sure flies.
I'm putting off going back to school one more semester. I just don't wanna do it this semester. It's not making me happy right now. And I don't wanna waste my time with unhappiness right now. I know everything that school will give me in the long run is worth it, but right now I feel like I was unhappy for too long and all I want is to love myself again. Two years is a long time to feel discouraged, angry, and hurt. (yes it was not just school that was bugging me).

Things I've decided I don't like this week:

Soy Sauce...don't ask why cuz I don't really know
Snot...those kids are disgusting right now!! They all have colds
Being cold...basement apartment.
Being alone...This week was Family Day at church. Mine didn't come. I sat alone and it wears on me that I don't see my family more often, but I can handle that. The realization came this week that I don't even call home anymore. Nor do they call me. I just don't talk to them. I don't know why this happened, but it did.
When my friends get hurt...don't mess with them. I don't mess with yours, don't mess with mine.
Spiders...I got bit again

Things I've decided I love this week:

Sydnie!!... I knew this already, but for some reason this week's been great :)
Frozen Yogurt...Yes I do keep dropping lbs cuz I've cut ice cream :)
Keith Urban...He gets me through any day
A blanket, a movie, and a cute boy...does this really need explaining??? :D :D :D