Never

Today is a day of nevers. I have never felt more hated. I've never felt more betrayed. I've never felt more hurt. I've never felt more unimportant.

Lately:

Loren basically decided today to stop talking to me. With no warning whatsoever. I haven't heard from him since this morning and it's all very weird to me. We've had a really good couple of weeks. We had a really good night last night, then all of a sudden this morning, something was different. He said he didn't want to talk about it and that he'd see me later, so I figured that he was telling the truth. Then he didn't respond anytime I tried to contact him all day. And then it turns out that he's blocked me on Facebook, and as far as I can tell I haven't done anything wrong. I've been myself, and apparently that hasn't been good enough. It's just frustrating cuz he won't talk to me at all. And so I may never know what I did to piss him off.
Also to add to things. Syd isn't talking to me either anymore. And again, I have no clue why. One day we were good, and the next we weren't. Which...ok...whatever...if she doesn't wanna talk to me anymore, I guess it's her prerogative. I just won't try to talk to her anymore.
And I've also decided to move to Pennsylvania for the summer which I've received a lot of support about, but after the summer. I have no ties anywhere anymore. I don't have a job to pull me somewhere, I don't have a boyfriend wanting me back, I don't have an apartment to get back to, I don't even know if I have friends wanting me back anywhere. I have almost TOO MANY options that I have to choose from, I don't know what to do about it. My life it very difficult right now and I'm feeling ready to explode...and to give up.

Things I hate right now:

don't even ask

Things I love right now:

this cup of hot chocolate sitting in front of me
laughter with angela, lindsey, and shayla tonight
my roommates support
income

Friendship

I think I can successfully say that I have the best friends ever!! I spent about 4 hours last night in the emergency room with the most intense pain I've ever felt in my whole life. Syd picked me up at my house about 7 with the intent for us to go to the mall and buy her some new perfume. But when I burst into tears and couldn't stop we decided that it would be better if I spent my time at the hospital last night. So she drove me home to pick up my insurance info and then over to Logan Regional. We got in there with me barely walking. Honestly I thought I was going to pass out before I got some help. So I got issued a bracelet and told that all the rooms were full and they'd try and get in me in as fast as possible. So we sat in the waiting room for about a half hour waiting for help. Syd had the smart brain out of the two of us. So while a nurse talked to me about trying to find me a room and I tried to concentrate on breathing, Syd called Loren. He talked to me for a minute and told me he'd be there soon and to call my parents. So I called them and they told me to keep them updated and to let them know if I wanted them to come down or not, which I didn't think would be necessary. Syd also called Colby and he came right over too. So finally the nurse got me back into a room, just as the pain was starting to subside...OF COURSE. That's what always happens. So spent about forever waiting! But I told them what was going on and how I really felt like I was dying! I was so scared cuz of my breathing and everything, but they were all super nice and helpful and all. They drew out about half my blood and gave me an IV with some fluids and some pain medication and also some stuff for nausea, which was TOTALLY helpful! I started to feel tons better. Then they ran a bunch of tests trying to figure out what it could be. When they got the results back and found out that basically my body was functionally perfectly except my WBC was WAY too high, they couldn't really figure out what wrong except that I was still in pain and that it was starting to become apparent around my appendix. So they started prepping me for possibly having my appendix taken out. They sent me in to get a CT scan. Which is a very weird procedure. They fill up your intestines with water (very uncomfortable) then they injected an iodine solution into my IV to make everything show up. It gave me a huge heat flash, which wasn't actually as bad as what the tech told me it would be. The heat was more comfortable than actually hot. I was freezing! And so the iodine solution actually warmed me up a bit, but once the whole scan was done I was back to being freezing! They kept bringing me warm blankets, but they didn't last warm very long before I'd need a new one. So then it was back to waiting again. Luckily my friends are the best and entertaining me! They're so hilarious and very distracting from the pain that was growing in my abdomen again. Finally the doctor came in and told me that the CT scan was going my appendix as a little swollen, but not really. I could just have a bigger appendix than normal people. So they discharged me with instructions to come back if it gets bad again or worse or if I start throwing up or getting dizzy again or anything like that. So my friends took me out to get something to eat, but I was mostly just exhausted!! I was so flipping tired. We ended up just going home. When I got into my apartment I started crying again. This time not cuz of the pain but because I was so scared to be alone. My roommates are in California and Salt Lake this weekend and so I was left alone with no car and no phone hoping that the pain didn't come back and me not have a way to get ahold of anyone. So I talked to Loren for a few minutes and feeling a little reassured I put myself to bed. Finally at 1230. I tossed around til about 2 when I finally relaxed enough to ignore the pain and fall asleep. I woke up this morning and took some of the pain medication they prescribed for me and I've been feeling a little better. There's still that dull pain in my side, but it hasn't gotten worse or changed in anyway, so hopefully that's a good sign. As far as I'm concerned I think I'll be ok and not have to have my appendix out...yet ;). So bring it on BSU! I'll be cheering my Aggies on to victory from my 3 row seat tonight in the SPECTRUM!! :)

Lately:

Life's been good. Went dancing again this week which was amazing. Spent lots of time with Loren which of course always makes me happy :) and other than that I have just been working and chugging away at life. I got offered a job in Pennsylvania for the summer which I'm 98% sure I'm going to accept. It'll be a good experience to go somewhere so far away where I literally know NOBODY! It should be fun :)

Things I hate right now:

The bruise in my arm...from the IV last night. It hurts!
being cold...still in the basement


Things I love right now:

Syd, Loren, Colby...they're the best. I love them so much!!
2010...I'm so grateful that I live in this time and place where I can get medical attention right away, without having to pay up front, or an arm and a leg! :) I'm thankful for the doctors and nursing staff at Logan Regional who were so wonderful to me last night when I was scared out of my brains.
Cell phones...because of Syd's and Loren's phones last night I was able to call my dad about 6 times throughout the evening and keep them all informed and reassured that I was getting the help I needed.

Saturday

This will be a short post cuz I'm about to head out to lunch and stuff with Lindsey, but I just wanted everyone to know that I'm still here, still alive, and still happy! :)

Lately:

I've been working a lot, but I'm also starting my job search in full force again. I just need more income. It's ridiculous how much of our society depends on money, but it's the truth and I have to just go along with it. I've also seen a few friends more often lately than I've seen them in the past which has been very fun. Also I went country dancing twice this week and could have died from happiness!! :)

Things I hate right now:

service...my cell service is shut off right now and I'm going crazy!!
cold...Logan's freezing, but there's really no snow. It basically sucks
uncertainty...I'm feeling it really badly right now and I just want some things to manifest themselves or get rid of the problem entirely!!

Things I love right now:

Brandon...he's the best! Always keeps me laughing :)
Free Food...poor young adult here...
Shopping...even if I'm not buying anything something about being in a store makes me happy!
Facebook...keeps me connected with everyone and I think that's the best!
My bed...It's insanely comfortable!!
My awesome friends...they're my support system and I don't know what I'd do without them. Especially right now while I'm trying to figure out where my life's going and what my relationships are doing and it's nice to have a group of people that are always constant and care about me no matter what decisions I make and whether or not they agree with them!