Ok I'm ready to just spill my guts out on the table tonight. Here we go.
I'M SICK OF THIS!!!! I'm so tired of being played with. This is the final time and I'm done! Loren and all the drama with Abi is making me sick. I can't get better cuz I'm so stressed all the time and I'm not getting any sleep over it all. Honestly anything that keeps me up so much at night needs to go. I'm tired of the lack of communication that happens. If something happens with them I think I deserve to be told about it! I'm too far into this situation to be kept in the dark. If this is the end then I'd like to know. If he is back with her I'd like to know, but does anyone fill me in? NO! Of course not! Someone is really enjoying playing with my emotions and my stress levels (which is very hard to do btw...not even finals stress me out) and I'm through. I'd like to return to being the carefree, happy girl I used to be. Somedays I'm SO happy. Happier than I can imagine being, then the next day I get a text telling me that something's wrong and he's leaving me. This is getting ridiculous and I can't handle anymore. I just want him to make a decision and stick with it! Either he wants me there or he doesn't, but I don't wanna wonder anymore. I just wanna know where I stand and know where he stands and be happy without the outcome! But I can't be happy with this game constantly being played with my heart. I adore this man. Well on my way to loving him, I may already. In fact yes I do believe I love him, but I can't. It's "against the rules" so to speak right now. It's stupid, but I can't let myself fall in love because I'm constantly afraid of him leaving. Which a few weeks ago I said to Syd and she said, just trust him. I don't think he'll leave you. So I worked on trusting him, then he left. Like twice he's left. How can I put my trust in someone like that right now? Until he knows where he stands with Abi, he can't know where he stands with me, and that kills me. It's almost enough to make me leave. And never come back. It's almost enough to make me give up on any kind of relationship with him, friendship or otherwise, and walk away. It almost makes me drop all contact with him completely and never see him ever again. Too many tears that he can't see, and too much time feeling hopeless and second best. I personally believe that I deserve better.
Things I hate right now:
Vehicle...I still don't have a car and on a night like tonight it would be awfully nice to just get in one a drive really fast away from all my problems.
Illness...I'm still sick and that made Thanksgiving dinner miserable today. I couldn't taste anything. My tastebuds are completely shut down right now. All this stress has literally made me sicker.
Things I love right now:
Alli...I get to see her tomorrow!!
Syd...She's my rock. Always.
The Santa Clause...Our family tradition lived on today :)
Jared...Probably the best 10 year old boy in the world. My favorite little brother ever :) :) :)