Tons and Tons of Updates!

Oh my. My life is so insane and has changed so much lately!!

So tonight I have to play catch up like a lot.

Now I'm working full time at IFHR again and I'm enjoying it just as much as last time!! My residents are amazing and very happy to see me again.
I moved out of my parents house about a month ago and I love my roommates. They're great girls and we get along very well.
Loren has been up here lots and lots and I've been in Logan lots and lots. Loren got offered a full time job here in Idaho Falls and is moving up here in just under two weeks. I'm over the moon excited!!!! I can't wait til he lives 5 minutes away and I can see him whenever I want!
Speaking of Loren...WE'RE ENGAGED!!! I spent last week with him and his family in Smithfield and had a great time getting to know them better. They are a wonderful group of people. Saturday was the pioneer day celebration in Logan, so Loren and I walked around the festivities and enjoyed our time together. That night we decided to go to the fireworks at Willow Park. We hung with his sister and parents and one niece for a while...walked around the booths and listened to the music and talked a lot. When the fireworks started, we walked around the park a little to find a perfect spot to watch and just as the finale started Loren dropped to one knee and pulled out the PERFECT ring! And I said yes...I think...we actually talked about it later and I don't remember saying yes!! But he said I did! It was all such a blur to me! I remember hugging and kissing and crying a lot! Then we went and showed his parents and headed back to his parents house for the night. We are so excited and so happy!!
With this decision came the decision to keep our baby. We are very very excited to welcome this little girl into our new family! The plan is to get married before she comes, but I'll keep everyone updated!
My life is wild and crazy and I'm loving every bit of it!!

Updates

Well...as everyone knows it's been a long time!!

Update on my surgery. It didn't go through in February due to some circustances arising, but I successfully had my first every surgery two weeks ago and everything went perfectly. I'm now gall bladder free and I can again freely eat my onion rings all I want.

I moved home in February also and I got extremely blessed with two jobs and a very cheep car almost falling into my lap within a week. I am now a happy employee of Fairwinds Assisted Living and Idaho Falls Care and Rehab. And I drive an 87 Honda Accord. Which is VERY loud. But it runs me to work and home everyday so it does it's purpose. It also got me too and from a much needed trip to Logan last week. I got to spend 5 days with the people that I love down there and just relax and not worry about when I was working next or where I had to go. Loren and I celebrated the 6 month anniversary of the night we met by going back to where we met so many months ago. We went country swing dancing at the funpark and had a wonderful time. Oh how I miss him up in Idaho.

Ok the last piece of business. I'm finally ok with telling people, but I'm pregnant. I'm about 15 weeks along as of yesterday. I'm very happy. And although Loren and I are continuing our relationship, neither of us are looking for marriage and so we are giving the baby up for adoption. I recently selected a couple and actually just asked them today if they are willing, and I'm waiting back for a response. But really all is well and life is good.

Fear

Isn't it interesting how we all fear things, but it's different with each of us. We all deal with it differently, but it's always so real to us. And it's hard when those around us don't understand and don't see it as seriously as we do. My fears right now are so scattered! I'm really scared about what my future holds. I have no plans and in a few months I'll be homeless again and then again in September. I just don't know which way to turn. Then my fears are going to be confronted again on Friday. I'm going in for surgery to have my gall bladder out. It's my first time to have doctors really work on me. I'm scared beyond my wildest dreams. But I'm also so afraid to wake up alone. I'm afraid something will go wrong or that this isn't the reason for my pain. I'm afraid of the recovery pain and I'm so scared to be left alone. And right now I'm also afraid of a situation that's come up. Loren ended things last week for once and for all. It came kinda as a shock for me a bit...I feel dumb saying that cuz I should have seen it coming, but in all honestly I think I was in denial. It came at a time when I wasn't thinking about my relationship with him at all. All I was focusing on was my upcoming weekend with MaryAnn and her family and my health problems. It was kinda brain-overload! And I was so angry that I couldn't be hurt. And now I fear where I go from here. I fear being alone and I fear what I still can't help but feel for him.

Lately:

Work's been amazing. My boss is so understanding of my health issues and is giving me as much time off as I ask for to get myself put together again. And the kids really haven't been too bad either.
My weekend this past week was WONDERFUL. It was exactly what I needed! I got to go down to South Jordan and spend some much overdue time with MaryAnn and Brian and their 3 adorable kids. They are so important to me and anytime that I get to spend with them is well worth it. I felt awful tho, cuz I had another attack on Sunday morning so I spent most of Sunday feeling sick and I was a little bit depressed over what had happened on Thursday night with Loren and I hate to admit, but I wasn't exactly myself all weekend. But overall it was very very fun.
So with Loren...Thursday night was rough. He told me that there was no chance for a long term relationship with us cuz of what he was going through when we met. And he kept saying that he didn't want to drag me into that situation (well a little too late bucko...). He also said that he couldn't fall in love with me cuz he still has thoughts and dreams about Abi and because I remind him of her. Which was the biggest slap in the face to me. I do not see myself like her and I don't want to be compared!! I honestly can say that I hate her and to tell me that I'm like her is basically asking me to hate myself! It hurt so badly that no matter what, I'll never forgive him for that. I can't go back to that. A: I won't be compared to anyone, but especially not his ex wife. B: I'm sick of being hurt by him. And C: You can't slap me like that and expect me to just forgive and forget. No Way. And so now it's over. Although I want to stay friends, and I've talked to him everyday since, I still feel like slapping him, crying, or throwing up (which is probably just my medication :)) every single time I see him.

Things that I hate right now:

Complicated boys...self-explanatory. see above :)
boys...yeah I'm done. No marriage for this girl! I'm not getting close to anyone anymore. I'm so sick of being hurt.
Feeling scared...hospital.
Feeling along...Loren.

Things I love right now:

Dark Chocolate...:)
Syd...even tho she's been sick, she's helped me so much today!
Aggie Basketball...I'm holding out for tomorrow night :)

Playing Catch up :)

Ok....It has been absolutely crazy lately!!! Starting with work. It's been rather good and not busy beyond anything we can't handle. But with the increase in snow lately the kids are getting sick again. We have two with RSV this year and one of those also has pneumonia. I have an awful immune system when it comes to stuff like that cuz of my Chronic Sinisitis so I can feel the pneumonia coming on for the second time this year...not pleasant for me or anyone around me. But at least I've only gotten strep once this year and not twice like last year! :) Small blessings... :)
Besides work I have been crazy with Aggie Basketball fever! 3 games in the past week and my adrenaline is bouncing out of control!! My boys never disappoint with the entertainment factor! Yesterday we played Nevada, which always promises to be a good game just cuz they're a good team. Last time we played them (a few weeks ago) we beat them in overtime so I was anticipating a good game and it definitely was! I kinda enjoy those games that have me stressed to the max wondering what the outcome would be cuz it's too close to call. Our boys did it again tho and we won by like 8 or somthing like that. A w is a w! :) Another highlight of my day yesterday happened while I was waiting. Some people may not realize how early I have to be at the games to get my awesome 3rd row seating, but yesterday I was 5 1/2 hours early. So to pass the time I was watching the girl's game at 3, but it was rather boring. No offense girls, but we lost by 20 so not all that fun for me to watch. So I was playing cards with Stephanie when she got up to go to the bathroom. I set up the next round and sat back to wait for her when Big Blue (Aggie Mascot, for those of you that don't know) walked over and sat down and picked up the cards. So I played Speed with Big Blue on the floor of the Spectrum. Yes life is good :)
Last Friday I went and saw When In Rome. It was a phenomenal movie! I laughed so hard through the whole thing!! It's one I'm going to buy for sure! In the words of Loren "It's a lot cleaner than I had expected" but who needs all that crass humor in a good movie? Not me! It's very enjoyable and I highly recommend it!
Speaking of Loren...life is good :) Haven't seen him this weekend, cuz he's been busy with work and Friday night with his nephew, but we've talked on the phone twice and all is well on the home front!
Friday night I went on a blind date to the Institute formal. It was SO fun to get to get all dressed up in my beautiful red dress from high school and go dancing! And Cameron was a perfect gentleman and wonderful company! I do love dating a lot! Yes yes you may say that I love my life, cuz it's true! :)

Things I hate right now:

being sick...I can hardly breathe!


Things I love right now:

Superbowl parties!!...starting soon! :)
Snow...we're getting the really wet, heavy stuff lately and it's super fun to pack into snowballs to throw at unsuspecting boys :)
Brownies...just reminding myself that I have to make those before the party starts :)
Trouble by NeverShoutNever!...look it up, very good.
Loren...as always :D

Short

This is a quick blog. Hopefully I'll have more time to update you later. I had an amazing weekend! Since Wednesday everything has been wonderful with Loren. And I need to tell you all ya'll some things later. I just needed to tell everyone that I'm so happy all the time! And I am simply too tired, and it's too late at night to type all my stories, so I'll get back to you hopefully tomorrow :)

Love Beth

Never

Today is a day of nevers. I have never felt more hated. I've never felt more betrayed. I've never felt more hurt. I've never felt more unimportant.

Lately:

Loren basically decided today to stop talking to me. With no warning whatsoever. I haven't heard from him since this morning and it's all very weird to me. We've had a really good couple of weeks. We had a really good night last night, then all of a sudden this morning, something was different. He said he didn't want to talk about it and that he'd see me later, so I figured that he was telling the truth. Then he didn't respond anytime I tried to contact him all day. And then it turns out that he's blocked me on Facebook, and as far as I can tell I haven't done anything wrong. I've been myself, and apparently that hasn't been good enough. It's just frustrating cuz he won't talk to me at all. And so I may never know what I did to piss him off.
Also to add to things. Syd isn't talking to me either anymore. And again, I have no clue why. One day we were good, and the next we weren't. Which...ok...whatever...if she doesn't wanna talk to me anymore, I guess it's her prerogative. I just won't try to talk to her anymore.
And I've also decided to move to Pennsylvania for the summer which I've received a lot of support about, but after the summer. I have no ties anywhere anymore. I don't have a job to pull me somewhere, I don't have a boyfriend wanting me back, I don't have an apartment to get back to, I don't even know if I have friends wanting me back anywhere. I have almost TOO MANY options that I have to choose from, I don't know what to do about it. My life it very difficult right now and I'm feeling ready to explode...and to give up.

Things I hate right now:

don't even ask

Things I love right now:

this cup of hot chocolate sitting in front of me
laughter with angela, lindsey, and shayla tonight
my roommates support
income

Friendship

I think I can successfully say that I have the best friends ever!! I spent about 4 hours last night in the emergency room with the most intense pain I've ever felt in my whole life. Syd picked me up at my house about 7 with the intent for us to go to the mall and buy her some new perfume. But when I burst into tears and couldn't stop we decided that it would be better if I spent my time at the hospital last night. So she drove me home to pick up my insurance info and then over to Logan Regional. We got in there with me barely walking. Honestly I thought I was going to pass out before I got some help. So I got issued a bracelet and told that all the rooms were full and they'd try and get in me in as fast as possible. So we sat in the waiting room for about a half hour waiting for help. Syd had the smart brain out of the two of us. So while a nurse talked to me about trying to find me a room and I tried to concentrate on breathing, Syd called Loren. He talked to me for a minute and told me he'd be there soon and to call my parents. So I called them and they told me to keep them updated and to let them know if I wanted them to come down or not, which I didn't think would be necessary. Syd also called Colby and he came right over too. So finally the nurse got me back into a room, just as the pain was starting to subside...OF COURSE. That's what always happens. So spent about forever waiting! But I told them what was going on and how I really felt like I was dying! I was so scared cuz of my breathing and everything, but they were all super nice and helpful and all. They drew out about half my blood and gave me an IV with some fluids and some pain medication and also some stuff for nausea, which was TOTALLY helpful! I started to feel tons better. Then they ran a bunch of tests trying to figure out what it could be. When they got the results back and found out that basically my body was functionally perfectly except my WBC was WAY too high, they couldn't really figure out what wrong except that I was still in pain and that it was starting to become apparent around my appendix. So they started prepping me for possibly having my appendix taken out. They sent me in to get a CT scan. Which is a very weird procedure. They fill up your intestines with water (very uncomfortable) then they injected an iodine solution into my IV to make everything show up. It gave me a huge heat flash, which wasn't actually as bad as what the tech told me it would be. The heat was more comfortable than actually hot. I was freezing! And so the iodine solution actually warmed me up a bit, but once the whole scan was done I was back to being freezing! They kept bringing me warm blankets, but they didn't last warm very long before I'd need a new one. So then it was back to waiting again. Luckily my friends are the best and entertaining me! They're so hilarious and very distracting from the pain that was growing in my abdomen again. Finally the doctor came in and told me that the CT scan was going my appendix as a little swollen, but not really. I could just have a bigger appendix than normal people. So they discharged me with instructions to come back if it gets bad again or worse or if I start throwing up or getting dizzy again or anything like that. So my friends took me out to get something to eat, but I was mostly just exhausted!! I was so flipping tired. We ended up just going home. When I got into my apartment I started crying again. This time not cuz of the pain but because I was so scared to be alone. My roommates are in California and Salt Lake this weekend and so I was left alone with no car and no phone hoping that the pain didn't come back and me not have a way to get ahold of anyone. So I talked to Loren for a few minutes and feeling a little reassured I put myself to bed. Finally at 1230. I tossed around til about 2 when I finally relaxed enough to ignore the pain and fall asleep. I woke up this morning and took some of the pain medication they prescribed for me and I've been feeling a little better. There's still that dull pain in my side, but it hasn't gotten worse or changed in anyway, so hopefully that's a good sign. As far as I'm concerned I think I'll be ok and not have to have my appendix out...yet ;). So bring it on BSU! I'll be cheering my Aggies on to victory from my 3 row seat tonight in the SPECTRUM!! :)

Lately:

Life's been good. Went dancing again this week which was amazing. Spent lots of time with Loren which of course always makes me happy :) and other than that I have just been working and chugging away at life. I got offered a job in Pennsylvania for the summer which I'm 98% sure I'm going to accept. It'll be a good experience to go somewhere so far away where I literally know NOBODY! It should be fun :)

Things I hate right now:

The bruise in my arm...from the IV last night. It hurts!
being cold...still in the basement


Things I love right now:

Syd, Loren, Colby...they're the best. I love them so much!!
2010...I'm so grateful that I live in this time and place where I can get medical attention right away, without having to pay up front, or an arm and a leg! :) I'm thankful for the doctors and nursing staff at Logan Regional who were so wonderful to me last night when I was scared out of my brains.
Cell phones...because of Syd's and Loren's phones last night I was able to call my dad about 6 times throughout the evening and keep them all informed and reassured that I was getting the help I needed.