Friendship

I think I can successfully say that I have the best friends ever!! I spent about 4 hours last night in the emergency room with the most intense pain I've ever felt in my whole life. Syd picked me up at my house about 7 with the intent for us to go to the mall and buy her some new perfume. But when I burst into tears and couldn't stop we decided that it would be better if I spent my time at the hospital last night. So she drove me home to pick up my insurance info and then over to Logan Regional. We got in there with me barely walking. Honestly I thought I was going to pass out before I got some help. So I got issued a bracelet and told that all the rooms were full and they'd try and get in me in as fast as possible. So we sat in the waiting room for about a half hour waiting for help. Syd had the smart brain out of the two of us. So while a nurse talked to me about trying to find me a room and I tried to concentrate on breathing, Syd called Loren. He talked to me for a minute and told me he'd be there soon and to call my parents. So I called them and they told me to keep them updated and to let them know if I wanted them to come down or not, which I didn't think would be necessary. Syd also called Colby and he came right over too. So finally the nurse got me back into a room, just as the pain was starting to subside...OF COURSE. That's what always happens. So spent about forever waiting! But I told them what was going on and how I really felt like I was dying! I was so scared cuz of my breathing and everything, but they were all super nice and helpful and all. They drew out about half my blood and gave me an IV with some fluids and some pain medication and also some stuff for nausea, which was TOTALLY helpful! I started to feel tons better. Then they ran a bunch of tests trying to figure out what it could be. When they got the results back and found out that basically my body was functionally perfectly except my WBC was WAY too high, they couldn't really figure out what wrong except that I was still in pain and that it was starting to become apparent around my appendix. So they started prepping me for possibly having my appendix taken out. They sent me in to get a CT scan. Which is a very weird procedure. They fill up your intestines with water (very uncomfortable) then they injected an iodine solution into my IV to make everything show up. It gave me a huge heat flash, which wasn't actually as bad as what the tech told me it would be. The heat was more comfortable than actually hot. I was freezing! And so the iodine solution actually warmed me up a bit, but once the whole scan was done I was back to being freezing! They kept bringing me warm blankets, but they didn't last warm very long before I'd need a new one. So then it was back to waiting again. Luckily my friends are the best and entertaining me! They're so hilarious and very distracting from the pain that was growing in my abdomen again. Finally the doctor came in and told me that the CT scan was going my appendix as a little swollen, but not really. I could just have a bigger appendix than normal people. So they discharged me with instructions to come back if it gets bad again or worse or if I start throwing up or getting dizzy again or anything like that. So my friends took me out to get something to eat, but I was mostly just exhausted!! I was so flipping tired. We ended up just going home. When I got into my apartment I started crying again. This time not cuz of the pain but because I was so scared to be alone. My roommates are in California and Salt Lake this weekend and so I was left alone with no car and no phone hoping that the pain didn't come back and me not have a way to get ahold of anyone. So I talked to Loren for a few minutes and feeling a little reassured I put myself to bed. Finally at 1230. I tossed around til about 2 when I finally relaxed enough to ignore the pain and fall asleep. I woke up this morning and took some of the pain medication they prescribed for me and I've been feeling a little better. There's still that dull pain in my side, but it hasn't gotten worse or changed in anyway, so hopefully that's a good sign. As far as I'm concerned I think I'll be ok and not have to have my appendix out...yet ;). So bring it on BSU! I'll be cheering my Aggies on to victory from my 3 row seat tonight in the SPECTRUM!! :)

Lately:

Life's been good. Went dancing again this week which was amazing. Spent lots of time with Loren which of course always makes me happy :) and other than that I have just been working and chugging away at life. I got offered a job in Pennsylvania for the summer which I'm 98% sure I'm going to accept. It'll be a good experience to go somewhere so far away where I literally know NOBODY! It should be fun :)

Things I hate right now:

The bruise in my arm...from the IV last night. It hurts!
being cold...still in the basement


Things I love right now:

Syd, Loren, Colby...they're the best. I love them so much!!
2010...I'm so grateful that I live in this time and place where I can get medical attention right away, without having to pay up front, or an arm and a leg! :) I'm thankful for the doctors and nursing staff at Logan Regional who were so wonderful to me last night when I was scared out of my brains.
Cell phones...because of Syd's and Loren's phones last night I was able to call my dad about 6 times throughout the evening and keep them all informed and reassured that I was getting the help I needed.

Saturday

This will be a short post cuz I'm about to head out to lunch and stuff with Lindsey, but I just wanted everyone to know that I'm still here, still alive, and still happy! :)

Lately:

I've been working a lot, but I'm also starting my job search in full force again. I just need more income. It's ridiculous how much of our society depends on money, but it's the truth and I have to just go along with it. I've also seen a few friends more often lately than I've seen them in the past which has been very fun. Also I went country dancing twice this week and could have died from happiness!! :)

Things I hate right now:

service...my cell service is shut off right now and I'm going crazy!!
cold...Logan's freezing, but there's really no snow. It basically sucks
uncertainty...I'm feeling it really badly right now and I just want some things to manifest themselves or get rid of the problem entirely!!

Things I love right now:

Brandon...he's the best! Always keeps me laughing :)
Free Food...poor young adult here...
Shopping...even if I'm not buying anything something about being in a store makes me happy!
Facebook...keeps me connected with everyone and I think that's the best!
My bed...It's insanely comfortable!!
My awesome friends...they're my support system and I don't know what I'd do without them. Especially right now while I'm trying to figure out where my life's going and what my relationships are doing and it's nice to have a group of people that are always constant and care about me no matter what decisions I make and whether or not they agree with them!

Hair

I shall never take my hair for granted ever again. Ever. Anyone who knows me really well can tell you that I love my hair. I do complain about it constantly, but I also obsess about it constantly too. I am always trying to fix it and find a mirror to look at it and buying new products to help it or dyeing and cutting it. Well yesterday I took my hair out of it's ponytail for the day and I looked in the mirror and found...a bald spot. Not just a place where a few hairs had been pushed out of place or something, but a spot a little bigger than a quarter where the hair had stopped growing. Right down to the scalp, all you could see was skin. Needless to say I FREAKED. So I showed first my dad and he examined it for a minute, said...hmmm that's weird show your mom...and sent me downstairs to her. I showed my mom and she very calmly said...well I guess if it gets bigger in the morning let us know... Yes my parents didn't find this alarming in the least!! So I, being the victim here, burst into tears! Of course, I went to the doctor today and he decided that it's a fungal infection and with proper medication and pharmacutical lotions it'll start to grow hair again...IN A MONTH. So now I'm faced with the problem of covering up a bald spot right on the top of my head for at least 4 weeks. Til it'll START to grow again and who knows how long it'll take for the hair to get as long as it is now all over again. Never again will I complain about the amount, the texture, the color, or the shape of hair that I have. AT LEAST I HAVE HAIR!!!

Lately:

Other than my hair, it's been a relatively relaxing week home. I had a great Christmas full of present's that I was totally not expecting! Like my little sister made me an afgan, which in and of itself it cool, but she made it out of my granny's buffalo yarn, which makes it so special to me that I cried...yes I cried over a Christmas present...I must be getting old...But it means so much to me to have something made from Granny's yarn and the fact that the sister that I'm sure hates me made it for me is pretty sweet. Also I got to go shopping on Saturday and I'm down 2 pants sizes from 4 months ago! :) yay! This was uber happy news, thus I spent my life's savings :D. Also I met up with Lindsey for the blessed Canton which I miss all the time living in Logan. Oh. And I'm missing Sydnie and Loren like crazy!!! I've talked to Syd 3 times on the phone since I left town and Loren called me last night which made this week bearable again. I was starting to wonder if he missed me or if it was all me, but I feel like him calling me last night kinda says that there's something there. We hadn't talked in 3 days and I was going crazy, but I was afraid to call him (like Syd said I should) cuz I don't wanna force anything on him. I don't want to seem...for lack of a better word...needy, desperate, young, or high-maintenance. Cuz I don't believe that I'm any of those things. I just miss him is all. Saturday's coming fast tho! And I have a huge party to look forward to tomorrow night! Yippee!

Things I hate right now:

My bald spot...duh
Being cold...my mom keeps the heat, well, brisk...
Having no money...it's my own fault tho
Being away from Logan...I do miss that place. That's how I know it's home now. When I get homesick being at home...? :)

Things I love right now:

The hair I have left!!!...yes!!!
My cell phone...such a blessing.
My family...ok I'll admit it. I do love being home! But I love living away from them too!
My nickname...people make think it's dumb...but I LOVE being Beeezer! :D

Family

I don't understand myself sometimes. I'm SO excited to go home tonight!! Which is really good, don't get me wrong. It's just kinda weird. I always love going home, but I never really realize it til I'm there. This time I've been waiting and waiting for 5 o'clock to come so I can just get on that bus and get to Idaho! It's only been a month since I was home and last time I went home I was dreading it beyond anything and I couldn't wait to get back to Logan. I guess this time I'm just ready for a break from being an adult. Or maybe it's the excitement of Christmas. But whatever the reason is I'm very happy to be heading home to my family, my dog, my big TV, my family traditions, my mom's cooking, my dad's security over the house, and the holiday joy that only comes like this once a year. :)

Lately:

I've been having the time of my life lately! I realized last night that I stress too much, and read WAY too much into everything! I decided that I just need to chill out and stop trying to make my life make sense, cuz well...let's be honest, it's life. It's screwed up! It's not always gonna make sense!! And because of that decision...I had the best time in the past week. I've gotten to spend lots of time with Loren, which of course, I LOVE! I've also been able to spend a bit of time with Synny. Which hasn't happened in a while (we kinda got into a fight), but all is well and I have my best friend back in my life again!! I'm gonna miss her and Loren a ton this week and a half I'm gonna be gone! It's kinda bittersweet. I wanna take them with me everywhere!! Work has been good. The kids are getting better behaved, or maybe I'm just getting more used to being with them everyday. Either way they're so fun. I love being with kids. It makes me excited to be a mom in the future.

Things I hate right now:

Snow...I hear there's none in IF. I'm not ok with that!! I want a white Christmas. Luckily I've been enjoying it here :)
Quiet...My apartment's been empty since Friday and I have to have music on all the time for company! It's been so lonely I haven't been here a lot. I've tried to stay busy out of the house. Even if I'm alone out there, it's better than being completely alone here.

Things I love right now:

Orange rolls...2 days!!
Presents...I can't wait to see everyone's faces when they open up what I got them! I love that part of Christmas!!
Loren...this is self-explanitory, but I'll explain further :) I love every second I get to spend with him. I love the way he can make me laugh. I love the way I can read his face and know what he's thinking...but only most of the time...sometimes he's still completely a mystery to me! I love the way he makes me feel beautiful even when I KNOW I'm not. I love seeing his number come up on my ringing phone and knowing that he wants to talk to me. I love when he kisses my cheek :). I love when he calls just to say hi and to hear how my day's going. I love how he really does try to put others first and serve. I love how he's passionate about his interests (even if sometimes I have no idea what he's talking about!) it's still cute to see him get excited about things! I love when he hugs me while I'm washing the dishes or stirring at the stove. I love how he honestly listens to me and cares about what I care about. I love the way my hand fits in his.
Christmas
Snow
Hot Cocoa...yes please :)
Clean...I love having a clean kitchen!! :)
Blogging...yes I love having a place to write whatever I want!! :)

Communication

This is so flipping important to me right now. All I care is that I'm communicating with the people around me and that they're communicating back. I've finally realized that I have been very close-mouthed for a long time and I think I need to change. I'm ready to start standing up for myself and telling the people that I care about exactly what I think. It's time for me to start having an opinion and to start letting others know what I think. But I also think that the people in my life should start talking to me more also. I spend so much time wondering what people are really thinking and I really wish that there was a way for me to just get in their heads and find out. If they'd just open up to me everyonce in a while then I wouldn't have to wonder anymore! And it's just not one person if that's what you all are thinking. I can think of at least 5 people that I want to open up to me, but I'll be darned if it actually happens. So start baring your soul people! No one will hate you for being honest. Let me know what you're thinking and I'll reciprocate! :)

Lately:
I've had the day off work today and it's been nice to get things done that needed to be. I took a SUPER long walk and got some shopping done, went to the bank, and did some cooking. I've started realizing how much I'm actually like my mom when it comes to home-making. I tend to feel the need to do the same things that she always did. It's been really nice lately too to have a bit of my old life and home here in my new one. I've got all my old christmas ornaments on our tree here and my mom's advent calendar in our living room. I've got a few old favorite movies from home here too, like Music Man! :) It just makes me happy to have both of these worlds kinda combined here for a little while. You don't think you're gonna miss home til you're away for a long time and the novelty of living on your own wears off. I've stopped trying to convince myself that I don't wanna be back there and just accepted that home and Idaho will always be a big part of me and that I do love it there and I'll always miss it.

Things I hate right now:

Cold feet
No vehicle


Things I love right now:

Kristen Chenoweth...however your spell her name she's amazing!!
Martina McBride...same :)
Orange Marbled Fudge...little tastes of home :)
PayDay...today!!
Myself...I love the fact that emotionally I'm stable enough to hold myself together during rough times in my life. I wouldn't change that for anything! I'd certainly change what's happening to me right now tho...I also love that I can physically handle life after only 4 hours of sleep which is about all that I've gotten each night since around two weeks ago...

Life

It throws you curves doesn't it. It seems so trivial how we spend our days, and then you have one that really matters something to you and you realize how short life can be. You realize that you have to take everyday as something special and not let it slip by meaningless. Events like what happened to me last night make you honestly see that you have to make the choice to be happy. That no one can make it for you no matter how desperately they try. It's a concious effort and struggle that we have with ourselves everyday and I wanna win! :) I wanna beat myself into shape and just always be happy! Not let anything stand in my way from what I want.

Lately:
I've just been working like crazy!! The kids have been so well-behaved and it's been a breeze. Which is good cuz I haven't been in the mood to discipline.
Also my roommates and I have been having lots of fun Christmas shopping, and decorating, and I'm ready to make fudge so the holidays are upon us!! :)
And I'm super looking forward to AGGIE BASKETBALL tomorrow night!! We've gotta come back from that shattering loss last week.

Things I hate right now:

Frostbite...i couldn't feel my ears last night! That's a very strange feeling
Exs...let's just kill them all...wait...that'd be me too... :)

Things I love right now:

Face paint...I have too much fun with that stuff
Hot Chocolate...mmm yes :)
My wonderful roommates...they're honestly the best I've ever had. (collectively, cuz I've had some bomb roommates before, but I've never loved all of them at once!)
Christmas...It's approaching! I'm excited to go home and spend time with my family :)

Aggie Basketball

I have never felt so "part of something" as I did on Wednesday night when my basketball boys beat BYU! The crowd won this game for them. We were amazing! Everyone was loud and proud for USU. I love school spirit and I'm so grateful to live by a school where there are so many other people that feel the same way that I do. Tonight we take on St. Mary's and I'll be there representing! :)

Lately:

Lately my work schedule's been so screwy! I've been working full days (9-5) instead of my normal half (1230-5) which is fine, it's just weird. I do enjoy being with the kids tho and so it's pretty fun. I've also started looking for a full-time job again. My parents are sorta supporting me in my decision not to go back to school for now. They probably aren't all that happy about it, but they finally realize that it's my life and I'm going to live it the way I want to and not the way they want me to. Which is good. There's less arguments in our relationship now. Makes it a bit less stressful to call and go home.
Thursday night I spent a fun evening in SLC. I've missed that place SO much. Christmas time is still my favorite there. I have so many memories from when I was younger living there and from a few years ago when we rode the tracks down and saw the lights. I love it so much. I just wish there had been snow! I went down with Sydnie, Brenda, Dee, Greg, and :) Loren. We walked around the temple for a while and we went inside the North Visitor's Center and talked to some sister missionaries for a while. One of them turned out to be my good friend's cousin. That was fun to find connections like that. Then we went to our favorite restaurant in Salt Lake called PF Changs. It was Loren's birthday on Friday so we sang to him and the waitress brought him a shot glass with cake in it. It was a very fun night :)
Yesterday I had a day off work and with nothing to do I got bored out of my brains!!! So I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to entertain myself til 4 when I get to go the the game today! :)

Things I hate right now:

Cold...I got so cold on Wednesday waiting for the game! I was outside for over 5 hours!! I've never felt so freezing
Ex's...Syd and I are both feeling the wrath from people's ex's. Not necessarily our own. But other people's...
Boredom...I don't know what I'll do when I'm married and staying at home. Yesterday sucked!!

Things I love right now:

Pounders...My favorite Hawaiian grill, run by my favorite Bill Sprout :)
Christmas trees...My roommates and I got a real one! And I put a touch of home on it with all my ornaments from years past. Makes me feels good having a bit of home in my apartment now. Especially with me not going til Christmas Eve.
Snow...It's snowing now :)
Company...Self-Explanatory :)
Synny-Beezer Time...We're headed out for some right now! :) I love this girl.